"boob milk"

Nursing has never been a fan of me and I am definately not it's greatest fan either. For all of my babies it's proven to be a stressful and tiring stage. If it's not getting thrush (and not knowing about it) then it's feeling like there just isn't enough supply, or just plain painful. With the first I had the time to sit and relax, but as you have more kids you realize that it's just not that time efficient to be nursing every 3 hours for 30-45 mins. And maybe I'm just being negative b'cos like I said, I'm not a fan, but I'm about 98% sure that I'm not the only Mom to feel this way.

This time around I went in with high hopes thinking it would be different. Hoping it would be different. But it's looking like it's going to be a downer, and we're fading fast.

Part of me is greatly saddened by this. So much so that for the past day I've been pumping every 2 hrs to try to increase my milk, and on already sore nipples, this is making me cringe. Being possibly our last baby I wanted it to be different. I want to treasure this little being in my arms and have his little hands hold onto my shirt a little longer. I want to feel the warmth of his little body pressed up against my stomach. I'll miss that. I already do. And so now I'm struggling with myself and wondering how long I try to make a go of this? How long I make myself endure so that I can hold onto those precious times? Is it worth it at the end of the day when my breasts throb in pain for a few hours every evening? Is it worth it to see him squirm and cry in frustration b'cos there just isn't enough?

Even as I write this I'm thinking more and more of just letting it go. Moving on. Our life is stressful enough without this selfish problem tacked on.

And so there you have it. I think I've made my decision. This will likely be the end of (as Keziah calls it) my boob milk.

9 years ago....turning 32

This past weekend was a celebration of sorts. It was the anniversary of when Steve and I first met and it was my 32nd birthday. 9 years ago I remember walking into this strangers house. He was a youth pastor and in charge of the C & C group at one of the local churches. So I walk into his house and there's a woman in the kitchen, cooking something in the oven. I thought okay. Then I found out that Steve was in the shower. And I remember thinking "what kind of church group is this?". Of course it turned out that Steve was just a totally relaxing, oblilvious, kind of guy. It's amazing what marriage and 4 kids can do to a person, right? While he can still be kind of oblivious, he's not so relaxed anymore. Anyway, I'm sidetracking... So there I was sitting in his little living room on a ratty old sofa-bed that had been boughten second hand (and actually stayed with us for the first...well nearly 7 years of our marriage) and in walks this guy wearing a plaid shirt and army cargo pants. I remember liking the way his hair curled out from under his Roughrider baseball cap. And the rest, as they say, is history!

And I turned 32. Wow. I'm 32 and have 4 kids. That's unbelievable. On one hand I feel like I've lost my "youth". Aren't young people supposed to travel and see the world between 20-30? And here I am, getting married and popping out kids? Where's the sense of adventure in that? But on the other hand, now I'm done. I'm complete. I can still wrestle and hike with my kids. And then, a few years down the road (and I mean quite a few) when the kids are old enough, we'll still be young enough to go see the world (here's hoping anyway) and do our adventuring. Our eventual goal is to Winnobago our way around N. America...what can I say? We're simple folk.

But until then, we'll just have to sit back and reflect on our "wealth", perhaps not in the way that other people our generation do, by distance travelled or such, but in the laughter of our kids and the way they see the world around them...even if it is only in our own backyard.

it's all good

Alot has happened since last I wrote. Not so much in my own life, but certainly in the lives of others. Here and all over the world. And emotionally it's been exhausting!

In case you've been living under a rock...

Haiti.

Isaiah James May.

I just read this story and now I'd like to share it with you. I'm sure there are stories like this created every day. But rarely do we hear about them, and that's a type of tragedy. So thank you Kelle for sharing your story.

looking back

Now that Christmas and New Years have come and gone the quietness and stillness are creeping up from the shadows. Or maybe it's just the fact that once again, life must go on, no matter how much we might want to hold onto the present.

It seems like we travelled all over Saskatchewan, but of course, we didn't. Over 8 hrs in the van on the first day, staying up till after midnite, and then another 5 hrs of driving the next day before settling in Regina for 2 days before continuing our travels to S'toon. And there we sat for 4 days. Amid the kitty littered bathroom and dish strewn kitchen. To each his own I guess, but definately not my cup of tea. For once I was actually wishing I could've stayed at my MIL's house instead of staying with the BIL. But that's done and over. Hopefully to never be relived again! As for how Sylvia is doing... at first sight you might not think she looks that bad. But appearances can be disceiving. Her upper body looks large only b'cos it's full of tumours. Then you notice how skinny the rest of her body is and yes...she does look like she's dying. So saying goodbye when it was time to head back to AB was tough. But we know we'll see her again another day, whether we have the chance to see her again in the hospital or again in another place that is far better than Earth could ever be.

New Years was spent with friends playing texas hold 'em. I've never played before and it was quite fun.

And now I'm just waiting for the dr's recomendation to begin exercise and away I go. Hopefully I can get rid of the baby blubber that has haunted me for the past 7 years. My only goal (well one of my goals) for this year is to get back to my pre-baby weight - which is roughly 35 lbs lower than I am right now. And I know it'll be hard and probably unlikely, but as long as I keep loosing, I'll be happy. And I'm considering doing something different with my hair. I was told recently that perhaps my hairstyle doesn't necessarily fit my face shape. Whatever that means...how can you even tell that? How do you find out your face shape hairstyle?? Whatever...so I might just go to a hairstylist and say "go crazy" and we'll see what happens.

So looking back, all in all, the holidays were good. It was nice to go to sleep every night with my husband and wake up to 4 beautiful kids, and really, that's all I can ask for! :o)

Sally

Awhile back, like in late June, we thought it was be a good idea to get another dog. Or should I say puppy...'cos they're cute. For some reason we thought it would be a wise idea and we'd be able to give this puppy all the exercise and training a puppy needs.

Well I'll be the first one to admit that we were wrong.

I really don't know what we were thinking.

Many years ago when I first met Steve he had a rottie mutt named Newt. Newt was what brought us together. And then Newt went off and got our neighbours dog pregnant, so we felt bad and agreed to take one of the puppies off their hands - that was when Gus came into our lives. A few years later, it came to our attention that we just couldn't handle 2 dogs, so we decided to give Newt away, as he was more of a challenge than Gus was. We told ourselves then, that we'd never own 2 dogs, at the same time, again.

Fast forward to June of this year...we saw a cute puppy and immediately got all "wimpy eyed" for another dog. Big mistake, HUGE mistake. Lesson learned. So the other day I put an ad on kijiji. Today I got a phone call and this young woman was very interested and today was the only day she could see it, would we be willing to drive to Edmonton to let her check Sally out. So we did. We all went, all 6 of us and drove Sally, who puked in our new van, to Edmonton. The young woman instantly fell in love with her and said she would take her. Awesome! A young woman who would love her and train her the way she deserves. Fast forward 2 hours to when we finally get back home from Edmonton and the phone rings. It's the young womans mother. Apparently the young woman didn't ask permission for the dog and is no longer able to keep it.

You've got to be kidding me.

So sometime tomorrow morning the young womans' mother will be driving Sally back out to our place.

Great. Back to square one.

Anyone want a cute dog?

this proves I have the maturity of a 5 yr old

We've been here over a year and a half now and it still feels like we don't fit in anywhere. We don't fit with this group of people 'cos we don't drink alot and we have 4 kids. We don't fit in with this group of people 'cos we live in the city and have no family roots. We don't fit in with this group of people 'cos we choose to have me stay home. It's starting to feel like we really just don't fit in anywhere!

Which sucks! And is really depressing!

(this is where the 5 yr old comes in...as I pout and stomp my foot)

It's like a mini slap in the face when you continually look at pictures of parties and get-togethers of "people who are who" and know that not only were you not there, but you weren't even invited. And true to many of these, we might not have gone, but the invitation would've been appreciated. You know?

Maybe it's our fault for not inviting said "people who are who" over to our house for BBQ's and such. Or maybe we just give off the aura of being jack asses and that's why no one invites us. Or maybe we have bad BO.

I just don't know.

Whatever the reason, it sure doesn't help me want to stick around, and it sure as hell isn't helping me forget all the good friends we left back in PA (MISS YOU GUYS!!).

The hanging of the tree

Today we decorated our tree. This is the first year we haven't had a real one, and while the smell of the "real" tree will be greatly missed, I do have to admit that the ease of the "fake" one is already enjoyed. And it's funny how the branches on this one are so much stronger than the real ones. Or maybe it's just the fact that in the past, we've always gotten "charlie brown" type trees. Regardless...it looks awesome!

And as Christmas approaches and we hear of family members who's health are diminishing more and more, the season is taking on a whole new meaning. It'll be a total bittersweet "holiday". On the one hand we have the joy of Ishaq's birth and showing him off to family and friends who haven't been able to see him. But on the flipside, this may be the one and only time they do see him.

I keep complaining that this won't be "christmas". It'll be different and it won't be any fun for the kids. But lately I've been thinking that that's okay. It will be different. It'll likely be sad. But there will be joy there too. And that's something that we'll just have to hold on to.

emotional

Lately I've been thinking about the impending birth of my baby and I have to admit, I'm getting a little emotional. The fact that it's my fourth and last (altho' nothing has been made permanent yet) is kind of sobering and yes I know I complained for the first 39 weeks of this pregnancy but now I'm realizing it for the little miracle and wonder that it is.

Wow.

In a couple of days one of God's perfect little creations will be born.

Is there anything cooler?

induce

For some reason that word makes me shiver in fear. And I know there are much worse things that could be happening, and maybe if there was something seriously wrong, I wouldn't mind it so much. But to me God has a plan for this little baby and He knows when it's s'posed to be born, so why mess with that? My dr insists it's "natural" but I really don't think so.

I remember being pregnant with Callah and going over a few days, and then a few days more. Finally it was coming onto 15 days overdue and they were going to induce me on Monday. Saturday I mustered up the courage to drink castor oil and I don't know if that's what did it, or the fact that I walked up and down Central in PA, but whatever the reason I went into natural labour on Sunday night and had her shortly after midnite.

So I'm 39 wks and 3 days, by Monday I'll be 40 and 2, which is definately no 42 wks or anything. But I guess the dr knows more about these sort of things than I do so I'll just have to trust that it's a good thing and pray that the baby comes before then.

Oh yeah and the reason why all this is even happening is b'cos there's protein in my urine which has something to do with my kidneys which is what's making the dr nervous. And I've had high blood pressure every now and then and tied up together, he keeps telling me, could be a very dangerous thing and the only way to solve it is to deliver.

So that's that. Good thing I still have some of that castor oil left! ;oP

gone where no baby and me have gone before...

Well it's official. I am no the heaviest I have ever been during a pregnancy. And it's not like it's the most weight I've gained tho'. You see when I was preggers with Matthias, I gained over 45 lbs. There's nothing like having the month off before the baby comes to lay on the couch, eat potato chips and play Tetris. I never did loose it all afterward. Then came Callah, and I only gained 25 with her knowing that it was going to be hard to loose it afterward. Again, I never even came close. With Keziah I gained 35 or so, I figured I would be okay since it was mostly fruit cravings I had with her, but alas, there must've been a potato chip or poutine in there too. And so finally after having gained over 105 lbs altogether in the last 6 years, it's no wonder I am the heaviest I've ever been. Altho' I did loose the most amount of weight after Keziah. It's amazing how being home alone can motivate a person, especially while the spouse is away getting in the best shape of his life!

And so here I sit, squishing the life out of the chair cushion (I'm sorry!) thinking about all the cool exercises I'm going to try in the new Year. B'cos really, who wants to try and workout during Christmas and New Years? That would just be foolish! So I'm making goals and strategizing on how to loose this weight. I know it's going to take a long time, I'll just have to remind myself of that every now and then when I step on the scale to view my progress. And I think having Steve at home will be, or should be, a huge benefit and help to get me going.

But until then...there's a whole lot of Hallowe'en candy hiding in various corners of my house just waiting to be found! ;o) I might as well enjoy them...right?

validation

As I was scrubbing the toilets this afternoon I thought of my MIL. And how in their last conversation, Steve told her that she was a good mother, and she did a good job raising them and he is the person he is b'cos of her. And as I write that, I guess it's true...he is the person he is b'cos of her, but that's not necessarily a good thing. And then my train of thought ran to how she's being this incredibly bitter person and telling everyone their faults (even when they're only faults to her way of thinking), but on the flip side we are suppossed to be building her up? And then the heartless part of me was like "why is that fair?" To which the caring part said "duh! She's dying!" And then the heartless part said "so?".

And I guess there was a time, before the fighting, and moments throughout that were happy for that family. Steve keeps telling me bout all the parties his Mom would throw. These simple, yet great, birthday parties and end of school parties and parties just to throw a party. And we have proof - there are pictures and video of them all laughing. So when did the madness start? And then I wonder about those critical teen years. He moved out when he was 15, and he's so different from the rest of his siblings that I have to wonder that those 3 years (the others all moved out once they turned 18) had a HUGE part of helping him become the man he is. And of course he moved in with his youth pastor and then another great Christian family. Even still, once in awhile he says he has to make a conscious decision to NOT be like his parents. I mean in one way or another, there's a part of us that doesn't want to be like a part of our parents. My Mom shrieks everytime anyone else is driving and we get too close to another car. Seriously, she shrieks. It's highly annoying and I hope I never get that anxious about the way other people drive when I'm in the car!

Anyway and then she's mentioned she wants to have a salvation funeral, if that's even what you call it. Where we'll be treated to a sermon on how we're all going to hell unless we change our evil ways. Oh joy. That's the way I want my funeral to go (and for the record it sure is NOT! I want everyone to have a raspberry vodka shot and enjoy the memory of me). Unfortunately with a family like this, either way, I'm sure it'll be "something".

On a totally different topic. Ever since Keziah potty trained herself, there's been alot more naked bumbs running around the house. Strange I know. You'd think it would be the other way around?

pregnancy

If you know me at all and have been following my other "posts" (facebook, Twitter) you should know that I really don't like being pregnant. I complain all the time and pregnancy has a way of making me feel depressed, moody and over-all HUGE. Not a good combo. I was thinking last night about how unique everyone's pregnancy stories are. Some women LOVE being pregnant and then once the kid pops out, their life becomes miserable. Others have good pregnancies and good babies. Other's hate every minute of both and live for the child/teen years. Others don't feel the need to get pregnant but instead adopt. And still others don't feel the need for children at all.

Regardless, I was thinking about where I fit in. Obviously it is with the pregnancy haters, but babies and children bring me joy. And lately I've been relaxing a bit here and there (in 30 second intervals) to focus on that joy and actually let myself look forward to this little miracle growing in my belly.

Yes little one, I can honestly say that I can't wait to meet you!

fall

There are many things I like about the fall season, and many things I do not. I LOVE the fact that bugs go bye-bye, that just makes my skin tickle! I also love the changing colours and the smell. True the smell of summer is a good one and the smell of spring is pretty good too. But with the fall there's a coolness to the air and you can smell that. Well at least I think you can. And boy does it smell good.

But one of the things that I don't like goes hand in hand with the above mentioned. The cooling temperatures. It's not quite cool enough yet, but I'm sure the time is quickly approaching for me to close my window at night. I hate the feeling of being cut off. I love to be able to hear the sounds of the night.

I never mentioned this before, but back in June we had our van broken into. For some reason one of the doors was left unlocked, so it was easy access. It was the sound of the van starting that got me out of bed (it's not the quietest starting van in the world) and running to the window I saw the lights and immediately phoned Steve (who was working that night). What happened next was really cool. So I had Steve on the phone and he was immediately phoning the RCMP here in town. Not even 5 minutes later, we saw 2 guys out front sneaking towards our house. I told them where the van was and they very stealth like, made their way out back, found the van empty, secured the area and came back into our yard. It was all very cop-ish, and quite exciting. If it wasn't for the fact that stuff actually got stolen, it would've been a really neat night. Anyway, going back to my original story...

So I'm not a fan of having my window shut and my "ears" closed. I'll enjoy the time I have left and then have to be a little more alert when it's time to close up for winter. Which really shouldn't be a problem since I'm up every 15 mins to pee!!

being pregnant

Lately I've been thinking of how much I complain about being pregnant. You know, my hips hurt, my feet swell, I hate the sound of my hip bones popping, the constant heartburn, the gagging when you brush your teeth, etc (the list could go on, but I think you get the picture). And in the back of my mind I'm always reminded of friends who can't get pregnant and I try to shut up. I'm sure they'd love to feel their bones popping and the pain in the chest when you sit down 'cos the baby is squished up against something internally that causes pain. And in light of what my MIL is going thru (sure she's annoying as anything, but nobody deserves that much pain) there's no way I should be complaining at all. So lesson learned...there's always someone worse off than you. You should be happy.

Still tho'. I can honestly say that I'll be glad when it's all over and I'm glad that it should (in theory) be the last one.

heading out

The weekend with the MIL went pretty well considering. I'm not sure if it was the fact that she was feeling more and more pain as the weekend progressed or it was just us, but she was getting more and more judgemental as the time went on. So by the time they left on Monday, I heaved a sigh of relief, my kids ran for the TV (I swear we're not actually addicted!) and Steve went for a beer.

The next day we went for our 20 wk ultrasound. We were really disappointed. I mean I know it's our 4th and all, but it's still a super special event. So when the technician didn't let Steve come in we were a little miffed. And when he was finally allowed in and we were given a "run thru" again we were disappointed. Not at all like the ultrasounds we had in PA. The guy was like "here's the head, the heart and the feet." That was it. The tech we had with Kez was awesome. She went over every little inch of her and we could marvel at her little toes and fingers! It was the coolest thing! This was so not. Apparently it's the law here. Yeah....whatever.

But then we were off to Edmonton to celebrate out 8th wedding anniversary. Nothing says I Love You like going to see Transformers 2 followed by a trip to IKEA and finally steak at The Keg. My only complaint of the three was that we were at The Keg when the doors opened at 4, and there was still a 10 minute wait. WHAT?! You just opened for pete's sake! But whatever, the food was delicious and even tho' my daquiri was a virgin, it still felt good to drink again! :o)

So now in a few days the kids and I embark on our holiday. Of the 3 weeks we'll be gone, Steve will join us for 3 days. So I plan on spending those 3 days relaxing and enjoying his company. It totally sucks that he can't get time off this summer, but I'm already looking forward to having him around for 9 months after the baby is born. Of course, come Jan/Feb I'll probably be so ready to kick him out back to work! But we'll see.

And so I'm finishing up some laundry, packing up bags and coolers for our 3 days camp trip, then it's off to Sk for a whirlwind trip to visit my side of the family. I just hope Arborfield knows what's coming!!

See ya on the flip side!

stress

Last Saturday we were at the kids soccer tournament when a woman showed up with 2 little chocolate lab puppies. She said she had 9 of them at home that she was trying to get rid of...would we want one? Of course I would! I'm thinking. But in reality I know there's no way of convincing Steve. So a few hours later, Kez is completely entranced by these puppies and Steve is thinking...hmmm...maybe. So thinking they're "free" (she said "giving away") we went over to ask a few questions. Turns out they're $400!!! I'm like WHAT??!! And I'm sorry if you've paid this much for a dog in the past or think it's okay, but I...do....not. I think it's insane to charge people that much money for a dog just b'cos it has some papers. Whoop de doo!! And who in their right mind would pay that much $$ for a dog!? I mean really?? I can think of a whole crap load of stuff I'd rather spend $400 on than a dog.

So anyway needless to say we didn't get THAT puppy. :o)

Since I had Steve agreeing to get a puppy I knew I had to act fast if we were actually going to get one. So as luck would have it, that same day was the city's pioneer days parade. And one of the "floats" were puppies from the local pound. So I phoned around and yes they had 2 females left and yes they were open till 5 pm. So we hauled everyone over to the pound to look at the puppies and there was one there with a red collar that let the girls moosh her face in a million different directions and wouldn't leave the fence until the kids did. So we agreed that if the puppy was still there early next week we would get it.

Of course, leaving a person to think over their decisions over a weekend is never a good thing.

Come Tuesday the girls pleaded and I negotiated and now we have a puppy.

How quickly the "puppy love" can fade. Now I'm thinking I made a huge mistake. Maybe we're just not ready. We're going on a quick camp trip in a few weeks and trying to find a place for one dog, let alone a dog and a new puppy will be a challenge. So far Gus is NOT pleased with the new puppy and I find myself wondering if we really deserve another animal to look after.

So that's one stress.

Then the MIL is coming this weekend. I don't know when and not sure for how long, but she's coming. We've come to realize that we just can't talk about ANYTHING with her. Not school, music, movies, kids activities, holidays, church, etc. There's really quite a list. And Steve is on the cleaning wrampage b'cos she went over to his brothers house on Father's Day and they were "wowed" (which is bizarre b'cos they just starting speaking to each other after a stupid 7 month hiatus over a stupid, trivial dispute) so now Steve feels like he has to live up to that or something, and of course I'm like, who gives a flying duck? Every time she comes I secretly try to think of different scenerios that would cause us to freak and kick them out of our house and never to come back again. Sigh - unfortunately what a relief that would be!! So I'm stressing over that. We got tonnes of activities lined up for this weekend, with friends visiting and wind-up BBQ's and I just don't want them to come with us.

So here's to stressful family, summer holidays, and puppies!!!

one pants size down

I love going to the doctor and having them tell you that you are in fact, actually loosing a few pounds. There's nothing greater, especially when a few minutes later, he says the baby is measuring bigger than "normal". And what is normal anyway? They said Keziah was measuring large too before I had her and she wound up being my smallest! So I don't really put any...what's the word?...I have no idea, but hopefully you know what I mean...in what they say.

Then this morning I had to return a pair of maternity shorts for a size smaller. There is no greater way to begin a morning!

stupid thing

So the stupid thing is ...

...well I mean there are quite a few "stupid things" in my life lately. I could say the fact that I'm loosing a few pounds here and there, while still having more fat than baby bump around my middle, and the baby already registering as "large" is kinda stupid. The fact that I LOVE eating KFC poutine even tho' I know it's like crap...and it's $4.50 to boot and soooo "good" for me! And I have this blog and never use it. Altho' today I felt a yearning, which is ridiculous 'cos look at what I'm writing about?

a new age

Tomorrow my baby turns 2. I can't believe she's 2. So much has happened in those 2 years that they seem like they've flown right by. And I find myself being reminiscent (like I seem to be alot these days...must be the air here or something). We'd like another baby, and I was thinking tonite, while a 4th is nowhere on the horizon yet, I'm really going to miss that whole stage. And it wouldn't be that bad to keep going...would it? If the idea is even a slight notion...does that mean you're not done having kids? I don't even like being pregnant! If it's at all possible to feel like a whole universe, that pretty much sums up how I feel pregnant. A whale just isn't big enough.

I remember a friend of mine had her 4th baby last year and she knew it was going to be her last one. So she tried to treasure every moment of that pregnancy. A friend of mine now is pregnant, and just shared some photos of her little bump. It made me smile and cry at the same time.

And it's not that I regret anything I did or didn't do to remember the previous 3 pregnancy's, but this next time (Lord willing) I will love it that little bit more, and take a few more whalish pictures, and enjoy the bone cracking and the constant urination. I will thank God everyday for that little miracle.

But for now, I will treasure the joys I have. Including this little angel!



Happy Birthday Keziah!

(and for the record, that's shaving cream on her face!)

One week

Yesterday I saw this movie. The movie itself was okay. I think the dying, must go on adventure thing has been overdone. But the thing that I LOVED about it, was that it's Canadian. From the rolling of a Tim's cup, to the idea of biking across Canada for a case of beer with a friend, to the music. It wreaked Canada. I. loved. it.

You can check out the official site here. And while your at it, submit a prairie picture....Saskatchewan isn't even on the map! And we all know how beautiful it is!