one of those nights

When we moved here I felt hideously ugly and disgustingly huge, especially after 2 weeks of fast food and hotel living. So I decided to start up my Learn To Run program again. Some of you may remember when I took the program for the first time last May of '07. (We have a digital camera now so I might just take that picture of myself yet!) It's been a long, very tiring, process once again. And today after completing my 30 minutes of 3 + 1's, I looked like the devil himself. My face, I don't think, has ever been redder. But I felt good! I was pretty impressed! Then of course, 10 minutes later I thought to myself...why do I do this??? And I slowly melted onto the floor.

New Topic
For some reason my internet has been acting up. I sent out an e-mail help plea to some friends from back home and I guess there was a windows update that doesn't configure with some firewall software. What???? Can someone explain this to me and how do I fix it without letting the world log onto my computer? Steve usually does all this stuff but he's a bit busy right now, so this is my new undertaking. That and figuring out how to set up our new printer. I'm sure I'll be posting for help on that one soon too.

New Topic
My in-laws were here for a few days as previously mentioned and my MIL mentioned that she doesn't listen to the news 'cos it's all hopeless. Steve brought up this story about this guy who killed a bunch of people and then himself recently. No idea what he's talking about. I don't listen to the news either. But then she went on to semi quote some scripture from Phil 4:8. and that's why she doesn't listen to the news. And as Christians we should only fill our minds with hopeful things. That got me thinking way back to my small group and I'm pretty sure we discussed something similiar way back when about thinking about the negative of the world, but not dwelling on it. Am I right? Anyone remember what we were talking about? Steve countered that isn't that what a Christian should do? See all the evil of the world AND still have and see hope.

New Topic
And finally ('cos my eyes are actually involuntarily shutting down) I was reading Dixie's blog and she's talking about loss and how to get on with life afterward. I think about this every day and sometimes twice. I picture myself just falling to me knees and wailing. Or is it keening. Or maybe I'll just be silent. Completely dumbstruck and numb. I know we could all die at any time. You could die crossing the street to the grocery store. But when suicidal snipers wait outside your workplace, your clock could be ticking a little faster. I just pray and hope that it's not.

So anyway, this is just one of those nights, where I got alot going on inside my head. I could just lay there in bed, letting it all go wild and leave me sleepless or I could vent some of it, which is what I did, not necessarily making any of it clearer, but just put it out there so that I'm not alone in my thoughts anymore.

And with that said

g'nite

all is quiet once again

Now that wasn't so bad. :)

The in-laws were only here for a day, a little odd, in my opinion, but I'm not going to complain. They arrived Wednesday. We went into Edmonton Thursday, hit the usual (IKEA, Old Spaghetti Factory) and the not so usual ( almost 2 hours in Lammle's Western Wear...boo hiss). Missed the tornado warning out for this area. All in all a pretty good day. And they left just after noon today. Short and sweet.

Now why can't all visits be like that?

The van got cleared to license in Alberta. Yeah. Estimated cost was over $1300. Total cost close to $400. I love my husband!

Now if only I could figure out what I did to my back... and never do it again! Ouch! I haven't been in this much pain since I had Keziah 16 months ago!

Tonite we're just going to relax and enjoy the quiet...and have a few more muscle relaxants!

wordless wednesday

here's one from the files....

Quotable Monday

"There is more to life than increasing its speed." Ghandi

Not sure if I mentioned that one before, but it's something I'm becoming more and more aware of as time goes by. Sometimes I look at Keziah and am shocked by how tall she is and how much she's grown. Where has the time gone?

crappy night

I can't remember if I mentioned this already. In my continuing struggle on whether or not to have a 4th baby I was told the other day that I shouldn't. And I should have my tubes tied. I was hurt and taken aback. And whether or not it's true, I'm a bad parent, it got me thinking about the whole thing again and maybe I shouldn't. Maybe 3 is all we can handle and even 3 is too many.

This same person told me that my husband is a terrible, negligent father. I'm very hurt by this person's opinions.

And so this is how I'm dealing with this. Staying up extremely late until my brain will no longer function and I will basically pass out once my head hits the pillow.

I'm not really sure what this person is thinking, or hopes to prove by saying these things but I really wish that they would just shut up.

grrrr

There aren't alot of shopping choices here in Wetaskiwin. There's a Sobeys but it's in a questionable neighbourhood (which is kind of funny), there's a Safeway (which is a bit on the pricey side) and there's an Extra Foods (which is seriously lacking in the product availability dept). So I'm at Extra Foods pretty early this morning buying my groceries, hoping to grab the deals while they're still on stock. I'm looking over the Lean Ground Beef when this little china man comes and snatches up all 8 or 9 of the club packs. My mouth drops open. Hello?? I'm standing right here!

Sheesh.

So now I have to wait till they get more in stock...probably Thursday or something.

Grrr....

Thoughts on a hot Sunday afternoon

This morning we went to a church that we've been to a couple of times already. The community there is awesome. Fellowship there is great. Kids programming is very good. But the pastor...well this morning I was trying to think of something that I'd rather be doing. I thought of being enclosed in a coffin full of leeches. I thought of the traditional "digging my eyes out with a spoon". There were a number of things I'd rather be doing at the moment when he was giving his sermon on 1 Corinthians 13: 4-5. I tried to focus and pay attention and then my mind would wander to my cool Canada Day toe nail paint job (striped red and white!) or wonder what the kids were doing downstairs or where was Keziah? Dare I say, luckily he's retiring in July. I pray that whoever God calls to that church will be a bit more excitable. I'm sure the pastor who's there now is a good guy and nice person to "hang with", but just not my cup of tea.

So in a round about way...I want to know when looking for a church what do you look for? Do you look for community and programming? Do you look for a good message? Do you look for younger people your own age? And if you don't find all of these in a church what then? Do you go start one of your own?? ha ha...TOTALLY kidding!

So this morning, feeling a little homesick, I went looking and only missed the preaching awesomeness of Randall more. Sigh. One day soon.

My sister is coming today for a weeks visit. This starts a month of visits and then it's our turn to hit other peoples homes. I'm completely excited. This will give us something to do. In talking with other spouses in the same situation, they seem to be doing well. Making friends and getting out. I didn't think it would be so difficult. I thought it would be easier. So I'll take visitors. Anyone who wants to come. We'll go out and do things. Hit the hot spots and maybe go exploring. I'm even excited for the possible in-law visit next week (never thought I'd say that in a million years).

And tomorrow is our 7 year anniversary. 7 years. Wow. From a newbie perspective that's pretty impressive. 3 of those years have been spent pregnant and nursing resulting in 3 adorable kids. We've moved 5 times and had over 9 jobs (combined). It's been fun and I wouldn't want to change any part of it for the world.

Well actually...there was that one time...

sometimes I wonder...

what's going thru Keziah's head as she turns around in circles until she falls over, singing some sort of song that only she can understand.

so cool

This morning I drove past this elderly gentleman who was wearing a purple long sleeve plaid shirt tucked nicely into his bright red polyester track pants. He finished off the ensemble with a straw cowboy hat and sunglasses.

And I smiled and thought "how cute."

I hope when I get older and dress "all cool like" that someone will say that about me.

wordless wednesday

Quotable Monday

I found a little book that I started writing in back in 1996. There's oodles of nameless quotes that I got from somewhere. Here are just a few.

"What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say."

"Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work."

"You are only what you are when no one is looking."

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself."

seriously

why can't life be more like it is in the movies (obvious reasons aside)? Why can't the happy couple remain happy? Why can't the kids always listen and be lovable?

funky

I woke up this morning feeling kinda sad and lonely. That got me thinking about home and friends I miss back in PA. And it's not that I went out every day and did something with someone, but at least the option was there. Here I know 2 couples and you can only spend so much time with the same 2 people before you start getting sick of each other.

So this morning, even tho' the sun is shining, I feel a little down in the dumps.

boxes

As I sit here and think about the handful of boxes scattered all over my house, I procrastinate a little longer, not really wanting to unpack them anymore. I'm sick of boxes. On the one hand, it would be great and awesome to have everything unpacked. Even the playroom downstairs, now that Steve unpacked all his weights, is looking great and there's so much space. I know the house will look way more better and inviting, if only I could get rid of a few more boxes.

Sigh.

But I just don't want to do it.

Yesterday when I was cutting the grass. I got bit by 3 little evil ants. So today I went to the Co-op and bought ant killer. 4 cans of ant killer. They...will....die!!! Altho' have you ever seen that movie Ant Bully? As I sprinkle the powder over their little ant holes, a small tear escapes my eye, and then I step on any surviving escapees with my shoe.

The kids are napping, soon they will wake up and I'll have to remove my behind from the imprint of the computer chair, and we'll have to find something to do to occupy our time until supper. Steve works the late shift today so he won't be home till after 8. I hate this shift. It seems to suck the day away...very...very...slowly. It's not that there isn't stuff to do, but I'm just sick of doing it.

I'm baaaaacccccckkkkkkkk.....

Just like that creepy voice in that movie...what was it?

Anyway, so we're up and running apparently. Funny thing since the stupid Telus setup guide wouldn't acknowledge my username or password. I guess you don't need those things or it's just my lucky night! The house is livable. Right now the kids are sleeping. I'll have pictures up hopefully soon. The move went well. Only 2 things were broken (that we know of so far) and we're still missing our dolly...which the movers have yet to return. There was mold and a small water leak in our basement the morning we moved in (not happy) but the house inspector said it's an easy fix (after ripping apart the wall) and we're moving on. The trampoline is set up (an open invite to all you adventurous Moms out there!) and the Pepsi is in the fridge. We don't have a bed for visitors yet (and unfortunately I wouldn't recommend the Best Western here...things you learn when you live in a hotel for 11 days!) but we do have air beds and lots of floor space!

Steve is doing well with the new job. He's already in a truck of his own. A little nerve wracking for me, but he's still not technically "alone" altho' out there, they never really are. There was this story the other week of a cleaver wielding father chasing his son. Good times, good times. Please continue to pray for him.

And in other depressing news, I just read about a member who just recently cheated on his wife with another member. He's been on the job for less than a year. What a schmuck.

HAPPY THOUGHTS!
June is apparently county fair time here in central Alberta. We hit the Camrose Jaywalkers Festival last week, Wetaskiwin's Pioneer Days today and coming up is a huge rodeo in Ponoka that is supposed to have a really cool parade! The kids all got their faces painted. Matt got spiderman, Callah was a butterfly and Kez got whiskers. So it's been a long day and my eyes are burning.

G'nite.

It feels good to be back. :)

and off we go...

as I write this I'm sitting on the floor of my basement with the keypad on my lap. Not the most comfortable way to go. And so it begins. Tomorrow the packers come so this will be it for awhile. If I can I'll try to drop a line from somewhere mid-week. If not I'll be writing from our new home sweet home in Wetaskiwin - City in Motion!!

See ya!

Wordless Wednesday

Thanks for the memories!

feels like Christmas

This day is taking forever to end.

Less than 24 hours and my husband will be home.

Quotable Monday

I've been scraping little shavings off my ration of light
And I've formed it into a ball, and each time I pack a bit more onto it
I make a bowl of my hands and I scoop it from its secret cache
Under a loose board in the floor
And I blow across it and I send it to you
Against those moments when
The darkness blows under your door. -Bruce Cockburn

Last Sunday

It's 1:32 pm. I'm drinking a rum and coke and I'm crying all over my egg and cheese sandwich. I'm not having a good day. I couldn't sleep last night (hence the useless post about our honeymoon journal) and since waking up this morning I've felt queesy and slightly nauseous. This morning was my last Gateway church service. Over the past 5 years or so it's become home. I've made some good friends that I hope to continue friendship with, had deep conversations and enjoyed lots of hearty hugs. Nothing was said this morning about my departure, which is fine, I tend to lean on the quiet side anyway, but incase anyone wonders...I WILL miss you guys. You'll be a very hard church to "get over". Thank you for the tears and the laughter. The joy of watching your children grow into strong and beautiful men and women. I will continue to pray for them as I will you.

If anyone is ever in the Edmonton area, PLEASE look us up, we'd love to catch up and see what changes are a happenin'!

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, and God bless.

midnight storytelling

My "dying wish" for last Thursday's small group was a music "special" if you will. We were each supposed to pick a song we liked at the moment, play it and explain why. There was a little bit of everything there from Leonard Cohen to Jane Sibery, Bruce Cockburn to Salvador, India Arie to Emmy Rossum. All cool songs and all meaningful in their own ways. I really enjoyed it. Now I can leave happy (at least where that is concerned).

I was really bored tonite. So I was looking up some old pictures of when Steve and I first got married. Times like these I wish I had a scanner, so you could see just how much hair he actually had! And I came across our honeymoon journal. Of course I'm not going to share alot from it, but re-reading it brought quite a few smiles to my face. Perhaps that's why I'm awake still now at 12:47... I'm just missing him. Or perhaps it's from that nap I had this afternoon. I said it once, I'll say it again, naps are evil.

So here's a little (or not so little) excerpt. To set the scene we went to a 4 wheel drive park in Kananaskiis for a week long honeymoon. We found our "camp spot" when the Landy got stuck in some mud by a little stream. On this particular day we decided to climb a "small hill".

MO 07 09 01 "...and a hiking we went. It started strong for both of us (on the road) then we reached the bottom of the hill and started to walk/climb. It was steeper than we thought, but we went on or I went on...somebody had to stop every ten steps or so, not mentioning any names so I'll just spell it L..I..S..A...Yeah, I just about went down to carry her. So on and on and on we went. My blisters were hurting from my new shoes and b'cos he's such a wuss he whined and complained the whole way up! About 1/2 way he stopped and dropped the pack to get some water. So I decided to take some nature shots of these beautiful prairie lilies. After a short break we continued up this time on a winding, uphill climb thru trees. At this point I felt like I was going to throw up, but I kept on going. When we finally did reach the top, Steve was sweating REALLY heavy. On and on we went til I heard her say "Are we going up more!?!" I said, "Honey we are so close, were not going to walk all this way not to go all the way, come on, you can do it, I know you can!!" You would think with that encouragement one would start running up the rest of the way, but no, not today. Dragging every step like she was wearing cement shoes, lucky it was only 10 steps more so she could rest again. While she was laying on the ground, reaching for air with her hand and throwing it towards her mouth, I decide to take some "nature shots'. Luckily I brought all the film cause I don't think she will be even rolling over soon....Steve is such a jerk! silly pictures more like it...oh! a leaf (snap picture)...a bird in a tree (snap)...clouds! (snap) now that was a real find...you don't see clouds like that everyday! while nature boy was taking pictures I was getting restless and wanted to keep moving so finally he put away his camera and his "prize" shots and we were able to move again."

Hopefully you figured out that we kept switching perspectives as we were writing! We eventually made it down the hill and as we were driving back to our "campsite" we somehow missed spotting this huge 3 ft high rock on the "road" and drove over it. Doing so, Landy reared, the steering wheel spun out slamming Steve's fingers in the process and alot of blood and screaming followed.

All in all it was a great trip!

and they're off

Sadly no Canadian content this time around, but there's enough energy and emotion in the building to bring tears to my eyes. Or maybe I'm just in an overly emotional state anyway.

Go Pittsburgh!!

p.s.

my latest favourite movie of all time is P.S. I Love You. One of the songs in the film is, well actually there are a few, by The Pogues. When I was young I went thru this heavy celtic phase and remember listening to lots of their music, but I don't remember this song. Or maybe it's b'cos I wasn't married and in love then. But whatever. Here are the lyrics to one of my new favourite songs.

I love you till the end - The Pogues
I just want to see you
When youre all alone
I just want to catch you if I can
I just want to be there
When the morning light explodes
On your face it radiates
I cant escape
I love you till the end

I just want to tell you nothing
You dont want to hear
All I want is for you to say
Why dont you just take me
Where Ive never been before
I know you want to hear me
Catch my breath
I love you till the end

I just want to be there
When were caught in the rain
I just want to see you laugh not cry
I just want to feel you
When the night puts on its cloak
Im lost for words dont tell me
All I can say
I love you till the end

to have or not to have....4?

I've been thinking lately about having a 4th child. The timing is right, age wise, but not so good life wise. Steve and I have always said that we'd like 4 children and having the 3 now, it does feel like we're not quite complete. Having said that tho', I am questioning it a little. A few days ago someone told me that I shouldn't even consider having a 4th child until I can control the 3 I've got. My mouth kinda dropped open. "Are you serious?" was all I could muster up to say. I couldn't believe it. Who would say that to another person? I mean sure, I'm sure at times we've all thought that about other people, but to actually say it? You'd have to be stupid or crazy or both. So with that in the back of mind, I've been wondering if we should have a 4th, or just stick with the 3 we got?

Talking to a friend this morning, who has 4, she said young kids are bad to start with. But when they get older, it makes it all worthwhile. Of course her kids are young, so maybe she's just wishful thinking. I know some of you readers out there have 4 older kids. Does it get better? Is 4 really the magic number?

I have no idea. And honestly it should be the last thing on my mind these days. Like I don't have enough to think about already. But I am. There was a slim, like 3% chance that I thought I was, and I'm not, and there was a bit of disappointment in there that still lingers. So maybe that just means that I am ready and unconsciously I already know the answer to this question of whether or not we should have 4.

oh well. Lunch calls and I have to go tell 2 of my 3 uncontrolled kids to stop screaming in the back yard before someone calls 911.

man...

I wish I could sleep right now!

Stupid nap!

wordless wednesday

no, this isn't Keziah, or any of my kids, but it could very well be. Just this past weekend Keziah was eating dog food out of their dish.

i love it...

when my husband phones me at 6:43 am to tell me he had an uneventful night.

Really. That's a good thing.

I've also come to the realization that I love food. All food. Good food, bad food. Just food in general. The month of May has been hazardous to my waistline, to put it mildly. And true, I can't use the excuse that we've hardly been home, 'cos there are nutritious choices out there to eat from. You don't always have to have that double cheeseburger with the cinna-melt for lunch followed by the DQ chicken strip basket for supper. If Jared can do SUBWAY 7 days a week, so can you! But I will try to get away with that excuse and I will add onto it with the lack-of-workout reasoning...why start? And really why? Why start a program for a week when I'll be moving in 10 days to a temporary location, and then moving again 7 days after than to another temp location and moving again in another 8 days to our final destination. So really, when I'm the sole caregiver of 3 young kids and I'll be moving to 4 different locations in the next 3 weeks, I think the "why start?" excuse is a pretty good one.

And you know what really sucks? Is that I'm PMS-ing. So not only am I an emotional basket-case to my 3 young children, but I'm also freaking out about my husband not being home, I'm tearing my kitchen apart looking for the smallest scrap of chocolate ANYTHING to devour, and I feel bloated and completely HUGE. Not a good combo. Plus I'm making lists of lists of things to do before we leave like phoning to cancel this and cancel that and leaving forwarding address' to a place that we don't have possession of yet and going thru crap loads of stuff that we don't need to take with us and eating as much food as possible so we don't waste anything.

Can you imagine what I'd be like if I actually had to pack our stuff up myself?

HA!

sigh...alright, I really should go phone and cancel something else. It's been good talking to you.

something rank and pretty crocus'

Last night the Mom's Committee went to Amy's for supper. I've only ever been once before, over 6 years ago and was majorly disappointed, so never went back. However last night was very good. The triple chocolate and vanilla cheesecake was too die for. I nearly swallowed mine whole before I discovered that everyone else was savouring theirs. Foolish me. Just goes to show you can take the girl out of the country, but can't take the country out of the girl. I won't even tell you how I ate my steak.

Now I don't know whether it was the cheesecake, the steak or the asparagus (I'll blame the asparagus...if all else fails, blame the asparagus) but when I got home something wickedly rank from my bottom was coming. I hated to sleep with myself. It was gross.

Moving on...

A few people have told me about movers and what all they do and don't take. Apparently they will take everything (even your garbage..unless you tell them not too) but chemicals, including cleaning supplies and paint. I'm not really sure how we wound up with 7 half empty cans of mosquito spray, but this morning when we went for a walk out at the Lil Red, I gladly finished off one of those cans. Not that we really needed it, it was beautiful out there, but it has to be used up. And I guess I'll need the cleaning supplies to clean the house once everything is gone. You do that right? I have no idea. Speaking of which does anyone want to watch my kids Friday May 30 for a couple of hours? Or help clean?

So yeah, anyway, the walk this morning. It was beautiful. I'm really going to miss it out there. Wetaskiwin has this By the Lake Park. Looks like a man made lake with a dirt path around it. It's where all the locals go to "get away". It's nice and all, but compared to Lil' Red, it looks like a rabbit trail through some brush. Of course the mountains are only a few hours away, so I really shouldn't complain. But still.
So we went on this walk and Matthias is wearing his army cargo pants, plain shirt and old baseball cap. I'm wearing some quick dry pants and an old t-shirt. Keziah has some nicely stained play clothes on and then there's Callah. She's got a hot pink dress on, covered with a white princess sweater and a good pair of jeans on underneath. She's wearing her sunflower sunglasses and is carrying, in her hand, her little backpack purse filled with books, a comb and a magic wand. How she slipped past me into the van I have no idea. Where she came from, or how she got to be so girly...again I have no idea.

Oh well, there's always hope for the big bellied Keziah who loved the walk this morning. I kept her in the stroller until we had the van insight and then I let her out. She turned her face into the breeze, little tufts of hair blowing in the wind, and smiled. Then she pointed and grunted at the bird in the sky. Walked over to the right and pointed at the grass. Walked over to the left and pointed at the tree. Walked over again to the right and pointed at the crocus (which are in full bloom and just gorgeous!), then to the left, and again the right, and so on and so on. Until she picked up something white (which naively I thought was a rock, only to find out it was actually some really old poop) and tried to eat it. Back into the stroller she went.

We finished off the morning with slurpees, cinnamon buns and cheese. Really, what could be better?

wordless wednesday

The Don't Song

if you haven't already heard this, you gotta check it out. Especially all the men out there...

http://www.ignitermedia.com/products/iv/singles/886/The-Dont-Song

SOLD!!

...to the highest bidder! ha ha...

Yes our house is officially sold! I'm super excited, was a little worried there for a bit. It's amazing how God worked and we're so thankful!

The moving company phoned this morning, they're coming next week to "check out" our stuff (sounds a little fishy!).

Now we just have to tie off the loose ends in Wetaskiwin and we have ourselves a house!!

Things are finally moving. On the one hand I'm glad and excited and on the other sad. Still haven't really thought about leaving. As the days wind down tho' I'm sure the tears will come.

But for now, the sun is shining and the park is calling! Yay!!

Quotable Monday

"I love to poop." -Hayden, my 3 yr old nephew.

Wordless ....

Callah dressed up as a penguin at the West Ed Mall. Isn't she cute?

quick things from the road

...Bawlf, Alberta. Is it just me or does that name just make you wanna laugh?

...FYI - there's a sale on wild boar meat near Wilkie, Sk.

...A&W in Unity does not qualify in the "fast food" department.

...Ever wonder what waiting 30 minutes in a McDonalds feels like? Don't! It's terrible!

And really that's all I got for spur of the moment. I knew I should've been taking notes, but alas, I didn't. Now I'm hungry, so I'm going to go eat whatever isn't moldy in my fridge. Yum!

Wordless Wednesday

oh man...

...I'm exhausted, my nose is running on one side and completely plugged on the other. But I wanted to make it known that I now sleep with a man who wears red. Ha ha... (lame joke, but like I said, I'm exhausted and hopped up on sinus meds). We have approx. 36 hours here before we header west in search of the perfect house for way too much money. Altho' there are the finer things to look forward to as well. Like IKEA and The Olive Garden and West Edmonton Mall. Did I mention IKEA? And Cheesecake Cafe.

So I'll leave you with visions of that.

Have a great week (end)!!

wordless wednesday

are there any words??

shout out to Carissa

A good friend of mine, Carissa, just had a baby girl this morning. I couldn't be more happier or excited if I had had the baby myself. You see this is her 4th child...the previous 3 being boys. I seriously can't stop beaming for her!

Congrats Duane and Carissa!! I can't wait to see little Denaya!

a little sigh

Last night at around 5 pm, I took a little sigh of relief that the day was done. I had managed (with the help of Dixie) to make my house look presentable (even with the kids spilling juice numerous times throughout the day) enough for the open house. I had participated in the Mom's Morning Out clothing sale (and found some cool deals!). And I had been able to enjoy an afternoon out learning how to make soap and homemade lotion. Now I could sit back, relax and enjoy a quite evening talking with friends.

But now it's Monday and I'll tell you what I should be doing. I should be busy making cookies and squares for our meet and greet on the 30th. I should be doing laundry and getting stuff ready to head down to Regina. I should be making something for the potluck at Mom's tomorrow.

Ahhh well. It's miserable outside. I'm going to enjoy the misery and muffle for a bit and then I'll get to work with all the work that I should be doing.

But first....I need to check my Scrabble games on Facebook!!

Quotable Monday

Seeing as to how Earth Day is tomorrow, here are a couple of environmental quotes.

"Concrete is heavy, iron is hard - but the grass will prevail." Edward Abbey

"Nothing living should ever be treated with contempt. Whatever it is that lives, a man, a tree, or a bird, should be touched gently, because the time is short. Civilization is another word for respect." Elizabeth Goudge

"Today I have grown taller from walking with the trees." Karle Wilson

"Take care of the land, and it will take care of you. Take what you need from the land, but need what you take." Aboriginal Law

"In wilderness is the preservation of the world." Henry David Thoreau

random thoughts

I killed my first mosquito last night. 1 down, few million more to go. I think my odds are good! :)

I hate thin toilet paper (that's all I'll go with on that thought...)

We have an open house on Sunday. I'm completely wiggin'. How "clean" should my house be? Do I have to remove all "loose" articles on shelves, dressers, desks? I mean seriously. I have 3 kids, that's not even possible right now.

If you could eat any candy from your childhood...what would you eat? Did you ever try those suckers that had dead insects in them? I remember they were all the rage when I was in ...grade 8 maybe? So that's like...hmmm...17 years ago or something. Cool.

I love ice cream cake. I think I could survive on that alone.

My husband just told me he lost over 20 lbs. I hate him right now. (not like the ice cream cake is helping!!)

I started taking this Greens +. It turns my orange juice green. But tastes pretty decent. I better live a long happy life now. :)

Alright, now I'm off to battle insanely huge line-ups at the local Walmart to buy totes to store all my "stuff". Wish me luck!!

wordless wednesday

spring

Alright, take a deep breathe....do you smell that? Can you feel it?

I think spring is finally here!!

My feet have been freed (flip flops are out!) and I'm getting a load of wash ready to hang out on the line!

Yes, it feels good!!

(and I'll try not to think about the forecast for this weekend!)

Quotable Monday

well now it's officially Monday....

"It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are." - E.E.Cummings

can't sleep

I can't sleep tonite. Too much on my brain. I was just laying in bed, eyes wide open, thinking. Not a good place to be, or at least concerning what I was thinking about.

Now tho' I think I'm almost at that point where I've completely exhausted myself and my eyelids are soon going to need help staying open.

Today Matthias licked me playing baseball...final score: Matt 10, Lisa 6. He's got a strong arm. But that wasn't the only licking going on. It seems Keziah has a thing for pine cones. Those are going to hurt coming out. ;)

I wish I could just skip ahead to June and this whole headache would all...be...over...

phoeey

So we're back to square one. After having 5 people look at the house yesterday, the final 3 didn't show up. So we went over this offer. They offered 8,000 less than we were asking. I phoned for some advice and the only person I could get ahold of was my uncle. He told me to counter offer and say this and that. And my real estate agent said we should say this and that. So we did and the counter offer wasn't acted upon. It was over.

So now we're back to square one. The FOR SALE sign is on the lawn, so hopefully we'll get some more calls and some more viewings.

I'm kicking myself in the head. This could've all been over....

house selling 101

Okay, it's not like I really have any good advice to give. As if. I couldn't even decide how to sell it on my own without numerous advice and suggestions from friends and family. The thing is, it's now 10:18 am and 2 people were supposed to come look at the house already and so far no one has showed up. This is starting to tick me off. We don't have a lock box, for whatever reason I thought it would be better without, so now I'm stuck here...waiting for people to show up. Then when/if they do, I'm to go outside and play...in the rain. We didn't count on that happening either. I don't know...I'm starting to think this 10k commission isn't what it's all cracked up to be...or rather, starting to think they're really not that worth it!

update - 10:54 am. 1 down 6 more to go.

update 2 - 12:35 pm. 3 down, 3 or 4 more to go. Did I mention there's already an offer from people who haven't even seen it yet?

update 3 - 5:37 pm. 5 down, 1 more to go (for sure). And then there's the Alberta offer to go over.

Quotable Monday

This isn't really a quote persay- but a poem that I heard almost 10 years ago on a small hippy island in BC. Read by a woman I really admire, surrounded by God's beauty. Needless to say, it really stuck and I've loved it ever since!


The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for
love,
for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own
sorrow,
if you have been opened by life's betrayals or
have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own,
without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your
own,
if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy
fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without
cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling me is
true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true
to yourself;
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not
betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can be faithless
and therefore be trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty
even when it's not pretty, every day,
and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours
and mine,
and still stand on the edge of a lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes"!

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or
how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night
of grief and
despair, weary and bruised to the bone,
and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you are, how you came
to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center
of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with
whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,
and if you truly like the company you keep in
the empty moments.

-- Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Is it Monday....again?

You remember that movie Groundhog Day, when Bill Murray's character woke up and every morning was groundhog day. He lived the same day over and over and over again? Well I'm starting to feel like that (well actually right now I feel like I've just taken speed...I just finished biking and my heart rate is racing and I feel all gittery). I wake up and every day is a Monday. I spill cereal, the kids knock over this, there's a crappy song on the radio, we're late for this, we're late for that, we just can't seem to get going in the morning. And I have to admit it's getting kinda annoying.

Or maybe it's just me.

Wordless Wednesday

first time eating the cone!

Big Wild

I was leafing thru the latest MEC catalogue when I came across this ad.

Canada is home to one of the world's largest great forests. Sadly, the protected area fits under this period. (and then it shows the '.' somewhere over Alberta on a map of Canada.) Less than 10% of Canada's wilderness is protected. If that doesn't sit right with you, add your voice at thebigwild.org

Check it out.

Wordless Wednesday

the GCY posse (past and present)....we'll miss you guys!

Quotable Tuesday

I know I'm a day late....

"Anger is the fluid that love bleeds when you cut it." C.S.Lewis

poop

Last night we were eating supper when Keziah started turning 3 different shades of red. She was obviously trying to force something out of her bottom. Then this horrible stink errupted from her pants and we thought for sure she had done her deed. So I went to go change her while Amy, my sister, ran a bath. It turns out that her bottom was clean. So what do we do? Wait until she eventually poops or just bath her, hoping for the best? We chose the latter and bathed her. Callah jumped in too.

Not 2 minutes later Callah calls out..."Keziah's pooping!!!"

We run to the bathroom, but it's too late. And we're not talking little rabbit turds either. These were full fledged Oh Henry sized bars.

Amy says, "now what do I do?"

"scoop 'em out." I say and leave the bathroom. She drains the tub and scoops 'em out (thanks to Kleenex anti-viral tissues!), cleans the kidlets off, re-loads the tub and gets the kidlets back in.

And that's our latest poop story.

oh I nearly forgot the best part. As Amy's cleaning out the tub she notices something bright green. She looks a little closer (but not too close) and realizes it's a little happy face sticker! What goes in must come out!

coming

My husband is coming! My husband is coming!

And I get to sleep with him for 2 whole nights!

Wanna see me do my happy dance? :)

wordless wednesday

silencing the hounds

(not that any of you are hounds...just wanted to make that clear)

Alright, seriously, I'm NOT pregnant.

I was just working on some stuff about completely changing the blog and re-naming it and stuff but just haven't gotten around to it yet. Sometimes being depressive and lonely can do that to a person.

So that's it. Aside from changing provinces, houses, churches, careers, schools and cities, there's really nothing new or exciting (like being pregnant) in my life.

Don't worry...you'd probably hear me scream, from wherever you are, if I were!

change

change is a-comin'....in more ways than one.

Stay tuned...

blessed

Last night a friend came over with the gift of a massage, chocolate and free babysitting. Seriously who could ask for more? She brought a meal to feed the kids and then kicked me out to enjoy my evening. I drooled. I fell asleep. I ate cheesecake. The only down side was having to go to a cold van in between outings. Then I came home and was in bed by 9:30 wonderfully nestled in my warm covers with Vicks completely covering my head and chest. Ahhh...

So thank you. That was awesome.

Of course waking up this morning to Callah screaming at Matthias and Keziah with a face full of crusty boogies was less than enjoyable, but I'll always have the memories of last night. :)

sarcasm

So we're moving to the wide open spaces of Alberta. Excuse me while I (sarcastically) jump for joy. My (sarcastic) enthusiasm is overflowing. Yeah (heavy sarcasm) for us.

Now the real fun begins of cleaning house (and keeping it clean) and painting and mudding kids room and other fun stuff that people do to prep houses for sale.

Again...yeah (heavy sarcasm) for us.

And in other news, while it's not the hideous flu bug (knock on wood) my kids once again have colds. Sniffles and coughs, which in Matthias' (and I'm learning in Keziah's) case also means occasional vomiting.

Again (say it with me this time...)....yeah for us.

However we had a fun day yesterday playing with other sick kids and watching the fireworks, which to me are almost as exciting as chocolate. So hope you and yours are healthy and stay that way.

Cheers!

why?

why won't Keziah sleep thru the night? I know she can. So then why? Do I have to take her into the basement and just let her cry it out? Do I have to continue to wake up during the night to feed her? why?

boo-ahhh

(I just wanted to say that...)

In my continuing funk of doing nothing, when indeed I should be quite busy prepping the house to sale (and look I managed to waste another "nap time" on the computer) I thought I'd take this moment to briefly replay some experiences from the past week.

To put it cleanly and simply...the conjugal visit went well with Steve. I'll just leave it at that.

Then my parents, kids, dogs and I went out to my aunt's farm near Yorkton. The weather was incredibly frigid, but that didn't stop us from getting some fresh air and exercise!
And then of course there was the porcupine ordeal. On afternoon we noticed the dogs barking like crazy so we went out to investigate and sure enough, there was a porcupine cornered in an old shed. So my Dad and I carried over an old wooden box and blocked the door, thinking the dogs couldn't get in. We had no idea dogs could be so stupid or stubborn. The next morning we could hear the dogs barking again and then noticed one of them running thru the snow brushing his face against the ground. "Dad, I bet you that stupid dog got into the porcupine again". Sure enough 2 of the 3 dogs got quilled. Kino (my parent's stupid dog) got maybe 5 quills in his snout. Gus (my stupid dog) got the brunt of it...a good 20 or so in her snout and mouth. It took 3 of us (2 to hold down her body and one to hold her head and pull them out) to get those quills out. It looked like someone had been seriously attacked there was so much blood on the ground! Not only was she quilled, but her paw was bleeding as well 'cos she had clawed a hole in the corner of the old wood shed to get to the porcupine! So then my Dad and I went out there again and put another wood crate against one wall and a steel grate propped up against the other. Needless to say the dogs didn't go near there again.

The remainder of the week we spent back in Regina. The weather turned nice and we were able to go outside and actually enjoy being outside. The kids and I went to a great park (if you're ever in the area it's called the Rick Hansen Park on McCarthy Blvd. It's great in the summer, has water fountains and everything). We were there for maybe 30 minutes when I'm pushing the kids on the swing and Callah asks to "go crazy" (where I push her with a bit of a twist and the swing goes a little "crazy"). So I did. She laughed, I laughed we were all having a great time. Then all of a sudden she lets go of the swing, her legs fly up and wrap around the chains and she "sweeps" the ice and snow with her face twice. She immediately drops and starts screaming. Blood is coming out of her nose and mouth. She's scratched up a line on her face from her chin to her forehead. I almost laughed. It was really amazing. Needless to say we packed up and headed back to my parents.
The rest of the week went off without a hitch and we had a really great weekend. Steve was able to come home for a weekend and "babysit" the kids so I could get out to our church Ladies Retreat. All in all a good time, good food (I gained like 3 lbs...booh urns!!) and great company.

Once again I feel like I should be saying something, I've been doing lots this past week, but I just feel at a loss of words. Maybe it's the fact that Steve has been in PA all weekend and I only saw him about 8 hours all weekend. It's amazing how gut wrenching it is saying goodbye...still.

sigh

So maybe I'll re-attack this later and actually tell some stories of porcupines and giant mice named Chuck E.

poop

I remember hearing these frightful stories about babies that used to poop their weight (I wish in gold) and babies that would fill legs of their sleepers and I just couldn't believe it. That's alot of poop! Well leave it to Keziah to make a believer of me! For the last 2 nights now she's woken up crying. I've felt around in her bed, feel something wet and upon further investigation- have found a legfull of poop! Gross!!! No kidding. Would I joke about a sleeper leg full of poop? I don't think so!

So I am now a believer in (most) poop stories.

Mayerthorpe

I've been thinking about this alot lately and last night at a prayer meeting one of the ladies brought the movie up and suggested praying for the families. Of course we totally agreed and it got me thinking that you never know when a good-bye could be your last. Those 4 guys kissed their wives good-bye just like any other day and had no idea they'd never see them again.

My point is simply to never take loved ones for granted. You never know when they will be taken from you.

uphill

After a devastating (at least in my world) day yesterday I called my Mom, in tears, and asked her to come stay with me. Of course, 10 minutes later, after getting some fresh air, I phoned her back and said she really didn't have to. She's got her own life and surprisingly (or maybe not) it's not that simple to move and shuffle around. So we agreed to play it by ear and if my kidlets weren't feeling better by noon today, then she'd plan on coming. Otherwise she'd stay.

It was a rough nite on the couch with Callah but around 2:30 am she started sitting on the toilet (instead of face in) and I was hopeful things were going to turn around. By 8 am she was her normal hungry self "Mom, I'm hungry." and trying to restrict her hunger is like fighting off a pack of rabbie infested wolves. But she took it slow and everything is staying down, so that's a bonus.

I washed all their bedding, Lysol'ed almost everything else, cleaned the bathroom, scrubbed the floors, opened the doors to let some fresh air circulate and hopefully that'll keep us healthy for a few weeks more anyway.

I don't know anyone who hasn't been affected by the flu/cold bug yet this season. So take care out there (and yes, those commercials mean more to me than they did before) and please remember to wash your hands.

life isn't smelling so sweet

After an awesome time out for supper and bowling with some friends last night I was totally stoked to come home and find out that Matthias hadn't puked - ending a 6 night puking streak. I was able to have a quick conversation with the hubby, not as good as I would have liked, but found out that he passed a major exam and so that was good. Went to bed relatively early and conked right out.

3:34 am rolls around to the sound of Keziah gagging. I walk over to her bed, feel around and am grossed out by wetness. She'd been throwing up. So I changed her bed and brought her out to the living room. Gave her a bottle and as I'm burping her over my shoulder, her mouth opens and everything that just went in, came back out all over the kitchen floor. So I peeled off my soggy pajamas and mopped the floor, leaving her to play with her soother in the living room. Coo-ing away. Finally get things cleaned up and we're back to bed...4:37 am.

9-ish Callah pokes her head in my room and says she's hungry. So I get up to get them breakfast. Go check on some laundry from Kez's episode, come back upstairs and hear Matthias throwing up in the bathroom. That's pretty much what he's been doing ever since. And man, it wreaks!

And so between Keziah throwing up her stomache contents (which she's done 3 more times) and Matthias heaving up his (which he's done...well let's just say ALOT) the smell isn't that rosy in here anymore.

I should almost put up a "WARNING: FOUL SMELL" sign or something.

Sigh. Oh well, luckily there are lots of good bowling memories to help get me thru this. :)

happy thoughts

I realize alot of what I've been saying lately is generally unhappy and...well for lack of a better word "lost" and I know that. I'm realizing that. I was telling a friend this morning that I can feel myself slipping a bit in my relationship with God and I don't like that. I need to figure out how to get back, how to get myself moving in the right direction again.

On the flip side tho' I am just really tired. I'm second guessing everything that we've done up to this point. The future and all that holds. All the things I've been doing to help speed up this whole process.

So for now, I apologize for being a stick in the mud.

I'll try to be more peppy next time. ;)

oh yeah, and for the record, I'm really not a big drunk or anything. The amount of alcohol I put in my coke wouldn't make a fly woozy. Just wanted to let ya'll know.

tired

When I see that I want to tell it where to go....and not in a nice way.

I realized today that I'm just tired. I'm grumpy and tired. My eye twitch and I have become the bestest of friends. We talk, hang out. Shoot the... I just need a break.

I am sooooooooooo (I could go on forever for added emphasis) looking forward to next weekend. Steve and I are going to hibernate in a hotel room for 24 hours. And don't go thinking dirty thoughts, I can almost guarantee you that we'll be asleep before 9 pm. Yes there will be alcohol. And yes there will be pizza (did you know Vern's closed down here in PA? A terrible, terrible thing. That alone would get anyone thinking about leaving this whole area.) courtesy of the Vern's Special. But most notably there will be NO kids.

Did I mention that I'm looking forward to it?

So as I fondly remember the events of the day....running like a madwoman to get my kids to the library in time (but of course we were late), going shopping in S'store where Keziah took it upon herself to scream like a banshee and Callah ran laps around old people with canes, taking Matt to the doctor only to be told something I already new- making me look like a worrisome loon, going shopping once again in Safeway and finally the crowning achievement that just happened as I write this...killing a fruit fly that landed square on my glass lens.

Yes, I think drinks are in order for tonite. Make them short doubles and keep 'em coming!

picture

okay can everyone else see the picture at the top with the kid and a marker?

quote

Sometimes I fust flick thru the quotes on my Facebook account. Today tho' I slowly cruised by and this is what today's said...

Somedays I "stand" in my bed, with the covers over my head listening to my screaming kids. Just dreading getting up and starting the day.

That was this morning.

Is it February 15th yet??

cold

For the 3rd day in a row now it's completely freezing. Sunday's +1 temperature feels like lightyears away. I hate that it's -43 and even the fog is freezing. You go outside and it's hard to breathe it's so thick.

My van won't start. We don't have anywhere super important to go today. Storytime at the library will be greatly missed, but otherwise we'll just hunker down on the couch with a blanket and watch movies or something for a bit.

I talked to Steve briefly this morning. And I think of him when it's this cold having to line up outside in the cold at 5:30 every morning. Sucks to be him. In comparison the 7:17 am wake up this morning seems like such luxury.

I feel really blah right now. Hope it warms up so I can make it to S'toon this weekend to the MIL's. Can you believe I just said that? I'm hoping to go to my MIL's!

That's so depressing it's come to that...

ugh.

I hate the cold.

sleep

After a surprise trip this last weekend I can officially say I'm all "drived" out. 3 trips to Regina in 4 weeks and I think I'll stay put for awhile.

But this last one was well worth the tiresome driving. I got to sleep with my husband for 2 nights in a row. I loved it.

Oh, and I got to see Rambo. What can I say? Pretty awesome for a 61 year old!

ugh

whoever said time would eventually fly by was full of poop.

ugh.

It's okay when you have things to look forward to. Something in the distance that helps pull you thru the long tiresome days. And then you do this "special" thing and you have a great time and you feel energized and rejuvenated again. Yes! I can get thru the next 3.5 months!

But then you have a crappy night with the baby (and I was thinking about the possibility of adding to our brood sooner than I thought, but after last night and this morning when she's STILL crying...all I can think is "will someone PLEASE shut that kid up!"...and I realize, no, I'm not ready for another addition.) and your kids take an hour to eat breakfast and you're tired and grumpy and feel like a bah-humbug mom and the minutes slowly begin to tick again and you dread the entirety of the day and the coming weeks.

Something exciting please happen.

So I'm checking the accounts and in my head planning another escape from my life, where maybe I can see Rambo with a loved one, even tho' I don't like Rambo...at least I'd be with a loved one and I can have a few more days of "freedom" until I have to come back to my life and live it, alone, once again.

We, spouses, should really receive an award for doing this.

is it bad?

Is it bad when you can't remember the words to common old lullabies and nursery rhymes but you can sing almost every Disney song that came out in the last 20 years?

Is it bad when your kids are dancing and they look like they're having seizures?

Is it bad when the rental van you've been driving makes "screaming" noises in protest when you spin the rear tires? (I kid you not)

Is it bad when you spend more time on facebook looking for something to do then writing real letters to your Grandparents who don't have internet? (that one is bad and I wrote letters to them today)

Is it bad when you can't get the smell of kiddy poop off your hands?

Is it bad when your boy just shows you his legs and he's got bruises all over the place and you honestly have no idea where they came from?

boy trouble

Okay so this morning at Mom's I go to pick up Matthias when the worker comes over and says "are you Matthias' Mom?"
"Yes" I sigh, fully expecting that he's been fighting again.
"Uh, have you noticed he's been playing with himself alot lately?" Whoa! Did not expect that! "Yes, it's something he just does." I say, trying to keep it cool and low key.
"Oh, have you had it checked? 'Cos the "boy thing" starts later, you might want to get it checked."

Hmm...no I haven't had it checked. Should I? Really? (and no, I'm not being sarcastic)

And so this is where it becomes really interactive. I know many of you have boys. Is this really something I should be worried about? Or does he just need a good bath? I'm kinda nervous now.

So please, let me know what you think.

small

The other night I was putting Keziah to sleep and I was holding her in my arms and rocking her. She felt so small. I loved the feeling of her against my chest and on my arm.

And I just rocked and closed my eyes.

It was nice.

I don't do that as often as I should.

Resolution #1.

bored stiff

I'm a little bothered lately. I can almost see myself wearing a housecoat, curlers in my hair...no wait! Better yet, severe bed head rat's nest hair, fuzzy socks on my feet, trudging around my house. Dishes piled sky high in the sink. Keziah has long discarded her diaper and is scooting around in her birthday suit. Matt and Cal are picking their noses and scratching themselves 'cos they haven't bathed in days, there's a gazillion messages on the phone wondering why we haven't left our house in weeks....


...and it's all because of the internet.

You see I've become addicted to certain resources vital to life as I now know it. I log on and check for new messages. Log off. Run upstairs to check on the kids. Come back down and log on again. Log off, run upstairs to give Kez a bottle, run back downstairs and log on.

And it's not that I don't have anything to do. That's totally not the case. It seems the exact opposite, the more I neglect to work, the more things I notice that need doing. I just don't want to do them.

Ever seen that movie Office Space?

Today I'm just not going to work. And Jenn Anniston's character is like, "so you're going to quit?" and Ron's character is like, "no. I'm just not going to go in today."

That's how I feel.

So if you happen to see me online, ask if I've fed the kids today? Or started painting the kitchen? Or cleaned the fridge? Or fed the dog? And if not I give you complete permission to come on over and kick my

romantic

I'm beginning to think it's more of a curse to be a hopeless romantic when your spouse wouldn't know romance if it hit him square in the nose.

Lately I've been picking up on small things that I find completely romantic.

The latest being a line from a song that's on my list of new favourites. It's called Hard Sun by Eddie Vedder from the movie Into the Wild (another gooder that didn't come to PA...we get so gypped).

The first verse is what gets me...

When i walk beside her
i am the better man
when i look to leave her
i always stagger back again

sigh...

I think I'm just PMS-ing.

Leaving

As per usual, I received a book for Christmas this year. This was one I'd actually asked for so I look forward to reading it. A few months back a friend of mine had brought her copy to a small group meeting and read something that I really enjoyed. This is part of what it said...

And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?
It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.
I want to repeat one word for you.
Leave.
Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed.
Through Painted Deserts - Donald Miller

Leave. Sometimes it is a good thing to leave. Sometimes I wish I could just leave, but then common sense or worldly restraints kick in and I sit back down and wait.

And wait.

Until the opportunity arrives or the yearning kicks in again.

However I'm not ready to leave this place yet. :)

alone. again.

i thought this was supposed to get easier.

Christmas 2007

Steve got home late on the 21. That was awesome. We sat on the couch, drank a quick drink and talked for a few hours. It felt so good to go to bed minus a layer of clothing (and no, I don't mean naked... I sleep with 2 shirts and pants when he's gone) and with only 1 comforter on the bed. Saturday, unfortunately, I felt was kind of a disappointment. We were supposed to go on our annual Christmas tree hunt, but due to sleeping husbands and kids, we never got around to it. And by the time we actually got our butts in gear, trees were sold out everywhere we looked. Sunday was good. Beautiful sunny day, great visits at church (and good singing during the carol service!!) and we were able to go on our tree hunt and find a tree within 30 minutes of walking in the forest. It was a really great day. We spent the rest of the day decorating our wonderful tree, ordering pizza (a Reid tradition 3 years running) and watching Christmas classics like Garfield Christmas, Flinstone Christmas, Frosty the Snowman and of course The Grinch. Monday we did some grocery shopping for turkeys and cheese balls then went tobogganing out at the Lil' Red. I can't believe how much my kids have changed in a year. Last year Callah couldn't walk up the hill if we tied a rope to her and helped her up, nor would they (Matthias or Callah) go down by themselves. This year Callah walked up every time by herself and she would take a running head start on the slide and slide down by herself! I couldn't believe some of the "dives" she was doing! She is so like her dad! What a little daredevil. The best part was Keziah slept the whole time, it was great! We finished the night with the candle light service at the church, came home ate some cheese ball and popcorn and watched Deck the Halls.

One of my highlights was waking up Christmas morning to the sound of Matthias and Callah opening their stockings. What a delight!
"Callah look!" "That's so cool!" "This is my favourite!!" "Oh yeah!!" Followed by giggles and various degrees of amused laughter. It was awesome.

Now this is my little rant for the week. This year presents weren't that important to me. I wouldn't have cared if I didn't get anyting. Really, I honestly mean that. All I wanted was a tree, some lights and Steve home. But for whatever reason I received some gifts that I can only guess were given simply to give something. Cookie sheets and an EZWrap 3000. I know, I know try to contain your jealousy. You all wish that you too could get an EZWrap for Christmas, right?? And that's what bothers me, don't bother getting me something that I don't need or want, I'd rather you get me nothing at all, or if you feel that you really must get me something give me $ or a gift certificate for a place that you know I shop (key word there: know). I really don't mean to sound ungrateful, and I know I come across that way, but cookie sheets and EZWrap just don't make me feel a giddy and excited inside. I'm sorry, but they don't.

So that bummed me out for a few hours yesterday, but nothing Captain Morgan and some cheezies couldn't help. Turkey was good, dessert was good, the evening ended well with John McClane stopping by for a visit.

And now he's gone. He's actually been gone for over an hour. We did some quick shopping this morning. He had to pick some stuff up before heading back and there was some boxing day stuff that I thought would be handy. We loaded up Gus' new dog house and his new bag with wheels. For awhile I felt like crawling under a blanket and crying, but then I reminded myself that I need to be strong. It's only for a few days and we'll see him again for a bit around New Years. The next 4 months should fly by. Here's praying anyway.

So that was our Christmas. I hope you all had a good one and wish you all the best in the new year to come!

music

For years I've been a huge music fan. I use music to express how I'm feeling. Back in highschool in my "darker" days there was alot of Pearl Jam, Tea Party and The Cult. Now I'm listening to Hairspray. Quite the difference.

Now that's it's close to Christmas I'm thinking Mariah Carey.

A while back, on a trip to S'toon with a van full of Mom's, we got to talking about worship music. How it moves some of us, and moves others in the wrong way. I have nothing against worship music, it's just not my thing. I can get completely emotional over a P.O.D. or Toby Mac song. Third Day continually moves me and makes me feel like such a schmuck, but in a goodway. When Steve and I got married our wedding song was Love Song by Third Day. I really like how they write songs from God's perspective. Something different.

Now that Steve's away I listen to a bunch of songs differently. Everytime I hear Gerry Raferty I cry. Actually there's alot of songs that make me cry. When I was pregnant with Callah, Meatloaf used to make me cry.

Anyway, I need some more sinus cold medication and I'll bet my clean socks that Keziah is eating something she shouldn't.

Until next time...Merry Christmas!

spider eggs

I've recently obtained a twitch under my left eye. Sure I could say it's from stress or lack of sleep, but I prefer to take a creative approach and believe that some alien spiders crawled into my ear one night while I was asleep. They made their way into the ear canal and then ate their way into my eye cavity...just under my left eye! The twitching is simply what happens when their eggs hatch. So now I have thousands of little spiders crawling around inside my head.

That could explain alot.

the wrath of Lisa

I hate drivers. I hate PA drivers. I hate people who can't drive on snowy streets and don't pay attention to their driving.

Alright, I was just hit by another car. I'm pissed. I'm really really mad. I don't need this right now. I had the two girls in the van with me. A few second later and she could've pegged off Keziah. I was fuming mad. Believe it or not I've calmed down a bit now that I've made my claim, but I'm still ticked off. I just wanted to yell, "LADY LOOK!!" Just a moment of "fogginess" and look where we are...I can't open my driver's door b'cos of a stupid little dent that you made in my van. The only happiness thought that I get from all of this (sadly) is that there's more damage to her car than there is my van. So thank you very much for ruining what had hope of being a perfectly enjoyable Saturday!!

amazing

"Mommy, mommy!"
"Yes Callah."
"Mommy, I go 'achoo' and my cereal comes out of my mouth!"
"Ewww..."

And then she laughs devilishly.

taking a break

I'm on a break from writing Christmas cards altho' I haven't actually started tonite's installment, so I guess you could just say I'm prolonging the start...or something.

Today is actually the first day that I haven't had to make "choices" (to put it ever so nicely), and I'm liking that fact. I feel good. It could also have something to do with the 10 lbs I've lost in the past month or so. Yeah for me. I knew that personal trainer was an awesome idea.

Tomorrow is the final Mom's this year. That means its potluck time. I'm going to make what I usually make, only without the chocolate chips 'cos I thought I had them only upon checking, they were all gone. I'll blame it on Steve 'cos he's not here so I can. I'm sure it will still be delicious. Want to know what I'm making? Come see for yourself! 9:30 am Alliance Church.

Then shock of all shocks...I'm willingly going to the MIL's for a day. To be honest I thought it would be easier than having her come here and see all our "sinful" living again. At her place all the "sinful" worldly temptations don't exist, so we can just get along better. There...how's that for the seasonal warm "fuzzies".

Anyway, what I really wanted to write about was Hairspray. I know, why on earth am I writing about that? Well who would have thought that going to a simple movie with Dixie, months ago, could change my life like this? It's amazing. I just have to dance. I LOVE listening to it. I love to listen to it and dance. I must look like a complete goof in the window, but I don't care!

That's really all I wanted to say. Now I'll go back to my cards.

sick

There's nothing like being sick to make you feel like a little girl again. Scared and alone. It's amazing what a kind thought or gesture can do. How a simple heartfelt hug can drive away all the black and make a world of difference.

snoring dogs

Growing up I always had a dog. Our 4th dog was a mix between a boxer, german shephard and dalmation. She was the tamest, best behaved dog ever and a true delight for the years we had her. I don't remember how it happened (maybe the warmth...I'm a sucker for warmth) but she always used to sleep on my bed. Growing up I had a twin bed so there wasn't always alot of room (for 5'10" me and my 75 lbs dog), but somehow we managed. The only complaint I would have of those years was she snored. She snored like there was no tomorrow (I suppose now in hind-sight God was preparing me for Steve!) and what brought all this up in my mind was that last night, Keziah was snoring and she sounded exactly like this dog. It was amazing! You know how some smells make you remember certain memories? Well for me, last night, it was the snoring. So thank you Keziah for making me remember and feeling all cozy and warm inside! :)

bussing

Ok. We all know it's freezing outside. I hate waiting in the cold at the best of times, but when you're out there waiting with your kid, who meekly says, "I'm cold." underneath all their layers of ski wear and clothing, it can be a bit much. You look at your watch, 8:21. Alright, going on 10 minutes late. "Let's go inside and wait." Of course as soon as you get inside, you see the headlights of the bus coming down the street. "Quick...RUN!" You round the corner of your house just intime to see the bus drive right past your house. 'WAIT!!' you think in your mind, too amazed to believe how crappy this morning is going so far, to actually voice some sort of defeat. Thankfully the bus slows down a few houses over and starts backing up. The kid and you run over and ask, "This is going to...?" The bus driver says, "yes, the other bus broke down again." You breathe a sigh of relief and get the boy safely onboard.

Monday.

I think the world would be a better place without Mondays.

real life

You know in movies when the woman is waiting for her man to appear after a long time away. She's sitting, forlorn. Then suddenly with the setting sun behind him, he appears over the hill. She jumps to her feet. He suddenly stops, taking in her refreshing beauty. They start running towards one another, smiling. Arms outstretched. She jumps into his arms and they kiss passionately. The world complete and still at that moment.

Yeah well. In the real world, the sun was setting. And the comparisons end there.

My stomache was flopping all afternoon. I was so excited. 4:24 and I'm in the van driving to see him for the first time in 3 weeks. I get there and wait. Tick tick tick. Suddenly there he is. Looking so fine in his blue uniform. We hug, then he pulls away and says, "oh yeah, we can't do this here." I take a few pictures. He tells me all the things he has to do before we pick him up again at 7:30, and then we leave. Going our separate ways once again. For a few hours more anyway.

Sigh.

How romantic...

I guess that's life.

My soul longs for the Lord
More than those who wait
for the morning
More than those who wait
for the morning.

the evil brain

I forgot the best part of last night. When I got home from the interview I pulled Matthias aside and I asked him if he'd been wrestling at school. I could tell right away, by his face, that he had been. So after denying it the first time, I lowered my voice a little and asked again.
"Matthias, are you wrestling with boys at school in class?"
"I don't want to, but my brain makes me do it."
Trying to conceal a smile I ask,"You're brain tells you to wrestle."
"Yeah."
So I said what any good parent would say, "Well then buddy, next time your brain tells you to do that, you say 'no'. Don't listen to your brain."

my son, the pro wrestler

Tonite was my very first parent teacher interview. I was a little nervous walking in there. So nervous that I walked right into the classroom after the english parents and teacher and didn't even notice that M. Lambert was waiting for me in the hallway. Yes, I am new at this. We sat down at his desk. He asked where Steve was. I told him he's down in Regina and he got all excited. I think he was more excited than some of our own family members were. That was kind of cool and a little weird.

Then we got down to business. He asked if I had any questions or concerns. I asked, "is he beating up on anyone?"
"Well, he is a little aggressive, but we'll get to that a bit later."
Then I slammed my fists on the desk, stood up - knocking the chair over and yelled "I want to talk about it now mister!!"

ha ha...just kidding.

He then went on to tell me that Matthias is a great kid. He's very attentive and helps out alot. He tries everything, not just limiting himself to a certain "play" area. He spends alot of time on drawings and is very particular about colours (which teachers like to see I guess instead of the kid who rushes to finish) and infact, Matthias has a picture in the latest edition of the catholic school board newsletter! Atta boy!! But then he mentioned that if Matthias got too rough again, he'd be sent to the office. He's been warned and told that that's not appropriate behaviour for school (or anywhere...I know, I've been trying to tell him) and so one more "rough house" brawl and he'll be put away...in the office....for a time out.

Overall I'm totally proud of the kid. When we get this CSB newsletter I'm going to be the parent photocopying copies to all the grandparents (except Steve's 'cos it's a Hallowe'en drawing and it's in a catholic newsletter....2 wrongs don't make a right) and framing his piece of work for years to come. I'm so proud!

blah

I don't know what happened, or when today went wrong. It started out good, but somewhere around lunch time I just wanted to lay down and curl up in my blankets. I think winter is really going to suck this year. I need to keep busy and try to get out as much as possible.

Steve's EI hasn't been approved yet. That's kind of a worry. A small part of me hopes that it doesn't go thru and then I can move down to Regina. The selfish part that wants more time to do "me" things. Then there's the ultra feminine empowerment woman who thinks, thru hell or high water I WILL GET THRU THIS!

But like I said. Right now I just want to curl up under the blankets and hibernate till spring.

ha ha

I'm getting Harry and Barenaked for the holidays!

snow

For whatever reason, my first instinct this morning when I saw all the snow, was to smile. I love it when there's huge snowflakes falling. But then of course, my common sense kicked in and I realized that I'd be the sole shoveler of all that snow and my smile fell away. I was kinda hoping the snow would stay away a bit longer. Just makes for a longer winter and white knuckles on the highway drives. Of course the kids were excited...in their minds all they see are the possible snowmen and snow mountains dying to be created. But can you blame them? Oh to be young and have no worries again.

And of course with all that snow one can't help but think about Christmas. Every year I write a letter covering highlights from the past year in our family. It's usually quite comical and something I look forward to doing. There's just something about Christmas that makes me want to send long winded letters about me and my family, with pictures taken of us smiling thru our teeth after taking numerous pictures in different poses, and Christmas cards that I only have time to write my own name on. Can you feel the warmth? Seriously tho', I don't care if I haven't seen you in years, or that I only write you this one time of year, it's just something I enjoy doing. And so every year I write these letters, include a decent picture of the family, and actually write a little message in over 30 cards that I send out to all our relatives. Man...just over a month left...I better get started.

But first I want to check my facebook!

sorry for the super lame post...I thought it would turn out better than this!

here and now

I read this on a friends blog and I like it.

Here
is bigger than you can imagine
Now
is forever

Oh sick

2 days down, only about 180 left to go.

I don't know if I've been having panic attacks or what. But whenever I actually think about Steve not being here, my stomache gets tight and I feel like throwing up. Supper last night was hard. Very quiet. I think we'll listen to music or something from now on. And meals themselves seem to be difficult. What do you make for a meal when there's 2 young kids and an adult that wants to cut back on what she eats? Anyway I don't want to seem like I'm complaining. I know it's just gonna take some getting used to.

Yesterday at Mom's I was talking to a friend and she asked how I was doing. I said nights are really hard 'cos I miss having that person to say "good-nite" to at the last moment before I close my eyes. Then I started to cry. Unfortunately it made me feel really pathetic and weak. Especially since this woman's husband does shift work, so there are plenty of nights when she probably goes to bed without her man as well. Then I thought, grow up Lisa and get over it. When Steve graduates he's going to be doing shift work as well and you're really going to have to get over it and quick.

Then last night I say clips from Cst. Scott's funeral and they said something like he never knew his dream job would be so short lived. And I thought, of course, no one knows they're "dream career" is going to be so short lived. Think of all those guys at depot now, training their hearts out. They're definately not thinking that it could all be over in 6 months.

Anyway, so there's my struggle. That's how I've been. Days are okay, night times are worst.

180 days and counting.