Thursday, February 18, 2010

"boob milk"

Nursing has never been a fan of me and I am definately not it's greatest fan either. For all of my babies it's proven to be a stressful and tiring stage. If it's not getting thrush (and not knowing about it) then it's feeling like there just isn't enough supply, or just plain painful. With the first I had the time to sit and relax, but as you have more kids you realize that it's just not that time efficient to be nursing every 3 hours for 30-45 mins. And maybe I'm just being negative b'cos like I said, I'm not a fan, but I'm about 98% sure that I'm not the only Mom to feel this way.

This time around I went in with high hopes thinking it would be different. Hoping it would be different. But it's looking like it's going to be a downer, and we're fading fast.

Part of me is greatly saddened by this. So much so that for the past day I've been pumping every 2 hrs to try to increase my milk, and on already sore nipples, this is making me cringe. Being possibly our last baby I wanted it to be different. I want to treasure this little being in my arms and have his little hands hold onto my shirt a little longer. I want to feel the warmth of his little body pressed up against my stomach. I'll miss that. I already do. And so now I'm struggling with myself and wondering how long I try to make a go of this? How long I make myself endure so that I can hold onto those precious times? Is it worth it at the end of the day when my breasts throb in pain for a few hours every evening? Is it worth it to see him squirm and cry in frustration b'cos there just isn't enough?

Even as I write this I'm thinking more and more of just letting it go. Moving on. Our life is stressful enough without this selfish problem tacked on.

And so there you have it. I think I've made my decision. This will likely be the end of (as Keziah calls it) my boob milk.