emotional

Lately I've been thinking about the impending birth of my baby and I have to admit, I'm getting a little emotional. The fact that it's my fourth and last (altho' nothing has been made permanent yet) is kind of sobering and yes I know I complained for the first 39 weeks of this pregnancy but now I'm realizing it for the little miracle and wonder that it is.

Wow.

In a couple of days one of God's perfect little creations will be born.

Is there anything cooler?

induce

For some reason that word makes me shiver in fear. And I know there are much worse things that could be happening, and maybe if there was something seriously wrong, I wouldn't mind it so much. But to me God has a plan for this little baby and He knows when it's s'posed to be born, so why mess with that? My dr insists it's "natural" but I really don't think so.

I remember being pregnant with Callah and going over a few days, and then a few days more. Finally it was coming onto 15 days overdue and they were going to induce me on Monday. Saturday I mustered up the courage to drink castor oil and I don't know if that's what did it, or the fact that I walked up and down Central in PA, but whatever the reason I went into natural labour on Sunday night and had her shortly after midnite.

So I'm 39 wks and 3 days, by Monday I'll be 40 and 2, which is definately no 42 wks or anything. But I guess the dr knows more about these sort of things than I do so I'll just have to trust that it's a good thing and pray that the baby comes before then.

Oh yeah and the reason why all this is even happening is b'cos there's protein in my urine which has something to do with my kidneys which is what's making the dr nervous. And I've had high blood pressure every now and then and tied up together, he keeps telling me, could be a very dangerous thing and the only way to solve it is to deliver.

So that's that. Good thing I still have some of that castor oil left! ;oP

gone where no baby and me have gone before...

Well it's official. I am no the heaviest I have ever been during a pregnancy. And it's not like it's the most weight I've gained tho'. You see when I was preggers with Matthias, I gained over 45 lbs. There's nothing like having the month off before the baby comes to lay on the couch, eat potato chips and play Tetris. I never did loose it all afterward. Then came Callah, and I only gained 25 with her knowing that it was going to be hard to loose it afterward. Again, I never even came close. With Keziah I gained 35 or so, I figured I would be okay since it was mostly fruit cravings I had with her, but alas, there must've been a potato chip or poutine in there too. And so finally after having gained over 105 lbs altogether in the last 6 years, it's no wonder I am the heaviest I've ever been. Altho' I did loose the most amount of weight after Keziah. It's amazing how being home alone can motivate a person, especially while the spouse is away getting in the best shape of his life!

And so here I sit, squishing the life out of the chair cushion (I'm sorry!) thinking about all the cool exercises I'm going to try in the new Year. B'cos really, who wants to try and workout during Christmas and New Years? That would just be foolish! So I'm making goals and strategizing on how to loose this weight. I know it's going to take a long time, I'll just have to remind myself of that every now and then when I step on the scale to view my progress. And I think having Steve at home will be, or should be, a huge benefit and help to get me going.

But until then...there's a whole lot of Hallowe'en candy hiding in various corners of my house just waiting to be found! ;o) I might as well enjoy them...right?

validation

As I was scrubbing the toilets this afternoon I thought of my MIL. And how in their last conversation, Steve told her that she was a good mother, and she did a good job raising them and he is the person he is b'cos of her. And as I write that, I guess it's true...he is the person he is b'cos of her, but that's not necessarily a good thing. And then my train of thought ran to how she's being this incredibly bitter person and telling everyone their faults (even when they're only faults to her way of thinking), but on the flip side we are suppossed to be building her up? And then the heartless part of me was like "why is that fair?" To which the caring part said "duh! She's dying!" And then the heartless part said "so?".

And I guess there was a time, before the fighting, and moments throughout that were happy for that family. Steve keeps telling me bout all the parties his Mom would throw. These simple, yet great, birthday parties and end of school parties and parties just to throw a party. And we have proof - there are pictures and video of them all laughing. So when did the madness start? And then I wonder about those critical teen years. He moved out when he was 15, and he's so different from the rest of his siblings that I have to wonder that those 3 years (the others all moved out once they turned 18) had a HUGE part of helping him become the man he is. And of course he moved in with his youth pastor and then another great Christian family. Even still, once in awhile he says he has to make a conscious decision to NOT be like his parents. I mean in one way or another, there's a part of us that doesn't want to be like a part of our parents. My Mom shrieks everytime anyone else is driving and we get too close to another car. Seriously, she shrieks. It's highly annoying and I hope I never get that anxious about the way other people drive when I'm in the car!

Anyway and then she's mentioned she wants to have a salvation funeral, if that's even what you call it. Where we'll be treated to a sermon on how we're all going to hell unless we change our evil ways. Oh joy. That's the way I want my funeral to go (and for the record it sure is NOT! I want everyone to have a raspberry vodka shot and enjoy the memory of me). Unfortunately with a family like this, either way, I'm sure it'll be "something".

On a totally different topic. Ever since Keziah potty trained herself, there's been alot more naked bumbs running around the house. Strange I know. You'd think it would be the other way around?

pregnancy

If you know me at all and have been following my other "posts" (facebook, Twitter) you should know that I really don't like being pregnant. I complain all the time and pregnancy has a way of making me feel depressed, moody and over-all HUGE. Not a good combo. I was thinking last night about how unique everyone's pregnancy stories are. Some women LOVE being pregnant and then once the kid pops out, their life becomes miserable. Others have good pregnancies and good babies. Other's hate every minute of both and live for the child/teen years. Others don't feel the need to get pregnant but instead adopt. And still others don't feel the need for children at all.

Regardless, I was thinking about where I fit in. Obviously it is with the pregnancy haters, but babies and children bring me joy. And lately I've been relaxing a bit here and there (in 30 second intervals) to focus on that joy and actually let myself look forward to this little miracle growing in my belly.

Yes little one, I can honestly say that I can't wait to meet you!

fall

There are many things I like about the fall season, and many things I do not. I LOVE the fact that bugs go bye-bye, that just makes my skin tickle! I also love the changing colours and the smell. True the smell of summer is a good one and the smell of spring is pretty good too. But with the fall there's a coolness to the air and you can smell that. Well at least I think you can. And boy does it smell good.

But one of the things that I don't like goes hand in hand with the above mentioned. The cooling temperatures. It's not quite cool enough yet, but I'm sure the time is quickly approaching for me to close my window at night. I hate the feeling of being cut off. I love to be able to hear the sounds of the night.

I never mentioned this before, but back in June we had our van broken into. For some reason one of the doors was left unlocked, so it was easy access. It was the sound of the van starting that got me out of bed (it's not the quietest starting van in the world) and running to the window I saw the lights and immediately phoned Steve (who was working that night). What happened next was really cool. So I had Steve on the phone and he was immediately phoning the RCMP here in town. Not even 5 minutes later, we saw 2 guys out front sneaking towards our house. I told them where the van was and they very stealth like, made their way out back, found the van empty, secured the area and came back into our yard. It was all very cop-ish, and quite exciting. If it wasn't for the fact that stuff actually got stolen, it would've been a really neat night. Anyway, going back to my original story...

So I'm not a fan of having my window shut and my "ears" closed. I'll enjoy the time I have left and then have to be a little more alert when it's time to close up for winter. Which really shouldn't be a problem since I'm up every 15 mins to pee!!

being pregnant

Lately I've been thinking of how much I complain about being pregnant. You know, my hips hurt, my feet swell, I hate the sound of my hip bones popping, the constant heartburn, the gagging when you brush your teeth, etc (the list could go on, but I think you get the picture). And in the back of my mind I'm always reminded of friends who can't get pregnant and I try to shut up. I'm sure they'd love to feel their bones popping and the pain in the chest when you sit down 'cos the baby is squished up against something internally that causes pain. And in light of what my MIL is going thru (sure she's annoying as anything, but nobody deserves that much pain) there's no way I should be complaining at all. So lesson learned...there's always someone worse off than you. You should be happy.

Still tho'. I can honestly say that I'll be glad when it's all over and I'm glad that it should (in theory) be the last one.