Oh sick

2 days down, only about 180 left to go.

I don't know if I've been having panic attacks or what. But whenever I actually think about Steve not being here, my stomache gets tight and I feel like throwing up. Supper last night was hard. Very quiet. I think we'll listen to music or something from now on. And meals themselves seem to be difficult. What do you make for a meal when there's 2 young kids and an adult that wants to cut back on what she eats? Anyway I don't want to seem like I'm complaining. I know it's just gonna take some getting used to.

Yesterday at Mom's I was talking to a friend and she asked how I was doing. I said nights are really hard 'cos I miss having that person to say "good-nite" to at the last moment before I close my eyes. Then I started to cry. Unfortunately it made me feel really pathetic and weak. Especially since this woman's husband does shift work, so there are plenty of nights when she probably goes to bed without her man as well. Then I thought, grow up Lisa and get over it. When Steve graduates he's going to be doing shift work as well and you're really going to have to get over it and quick.

Then last night I say clips from Cst. Scott's funeral and they said something like he never knew his dream job would be so short lived. And I thought, of course, no one knows they're "dream career" is going to be so short lived. Think of all those guys at depot now, training their hearts out. They're definately not thinking that it could all be over in 6 months.

Anyway, so there's my struggle. That's how I've been. Days are okay, night times are worst.

180 days and counting.